Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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