I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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