i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
