he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
