Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
