Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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