What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
