Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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