i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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