Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
