she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
