I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
