I think she gave up trying 2 land a bf and let herself go
You misogynist thinking that every girl wants a bf
They do. I don't appreciate u using big words idk and im gonna take offense
if only i could text you this smell
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
