i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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