everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
