Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
