A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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