How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
