Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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