for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
