Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
