Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
