even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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