You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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