Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
