Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
only you would photoshop your dick
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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