I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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