you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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