clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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