you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
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why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
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I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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