He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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