dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
