Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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