we have pet lesbian snakes
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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