i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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