I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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