I cannot find my penis.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
