I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
