I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
