tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
