I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She even gives head with a lisp.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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