i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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