you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
