I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
