you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Randomize
