I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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