today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
