Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
