I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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