My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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