if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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