At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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