I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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