I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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