I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
