my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
